How This Cooking Thing Started for Me
In order to understand my cooking interests and how I was exposed to cooking, you really need a background of my family.
Growing up, my Mom cooked dinner most nights. We were a family of five that typically sat down at 6pm to eat and had unspoken assigned seats at the dinner table. This was mostly because the majority of the family were lefties, with my Dad and I being the two lone righties. This tradition continued as my sister, brother and I all went off to college, coming back to live in the family house for short periods of time before moving out on our own. Mom's seasoning usually consisted of only salt and pepper; Dad was a red meat and potatoes kind of guy, and that's what we ate most nights, of course with the addition of a vegetable. I think this pretty much explains why my last two years of college when I lived in an apartment, my main food sources were chicken and salad. My brother and sister have always told me that when Mom taught nights at Bloomfield College, and Dad was in charge of dinner, he would open up two cans of totally unalike foods and mix them together: picture eating a can of Chef Boyardee mixed with a can of mixed vegetables. You're an adult- now try getting a toddler to eat it. I know this was entirely possible as I recall coming home from class at lunchtime when I was in library school and Dad (seriously) asked if I would like a tuna sandwich. He had opened up two cans of tuna, mixed it with mayo, several tablespoons of red pepper flakes and a little Lea & Perrins. As adults, my brother, Dan, would cook dinner, but you weren't going to eat until 10pm, so intermittent snacking was necessary. When he hosted his first Thanksgiving, we had more pies and more trays of stuffing than people. (We still have more trays of stuffing than people, for leftovers.) My sister, Kathy, was afraid of salmonella, and would cook chicken dry. When asked how she would like a hamburger cooked, there was no response of "medium" or "medium rare" but that of "a hockey puck." I'm not sure if she really enjoyed it that way or ate it that way due to her concern over undercooked meat.
There are some favorite family recipes that are quite tasty, which I will share here at some point. My maternal grandfather passed away when Mom was thirteen and when Grandma Jackson went to work full-time, my Mom was in charge of starting the dinner preparation. This experience for Mom not only established tuna casserole as a staple for her and I when I was a child, but it also provided her with the opportunity to learn a new brisket recipe from a neighbor, which I still use today in my crockpot. My paternal grandfather, Poppy as we called him, was a cook in the army, and my Grandma McGovern was not really a cook at all. They ate a lot of cold cuts and I've heard stories of Poppy making fried chicken for family gatherings, although I've never had it. I love fried chicken, although we didn't really eat it growing up, but I sure did embrace it when I lived in the south.
Some other things to understand about my parents to gain a better understanding of my food interests- they were very different. Both baby boomers, Dad grew up in Newark, NJ and dropped out of high school (although did get his GED and go to night college) while Mom grew up in Midland Park, which was much more rural than Bergen County is today. She was a National Merit Scholar who took her scholarship out of state to Iowa. Dad liked spicy food because he was a smoker whose taste buds faded over time, Mom did not like spicy things at all; this is what my brother often told the church family as to why she didn't attend the annual chili cookoff. Dad loved Italian hot dogs while Mom enjoyed her summer tomatoes, sliced and lightly salted, served on a bed of lettuce.
Italian hot dog
After Poppy passed away, Dad would go down to Grandma's every week. When her vision started to decline, Mom would send leftover frozen meals for her to reheat in the microwave; meanwhile, Dad would fry a pound of bacon for her every week and occasionally bring her gallon size jars of pickled pigs feet, which she would devour. Her love for processed pork products extended beyond this, as kielbasa was a regular part of her diet. Mom would do the same thing with frozen meals for Grandma Jackson, however, she didn't have a microwave, nor did her sister, my Aunt Linda, who claimed the technology was too advanced for her, both preferring to heat things in the oven or on the stove.
As an adult, I have picked up recipes from family friends, fellow church members, coworkers, and Pinterest. I tweak things according to my tastes. When I lived in the south, I was more open about trying new foods and am currently trying to figure out how I have lived without southern BBQ in my life after returning to the northeast, which brings me to the reason for this blog. In December 2020, my sister was diagnosed with stage four colon cancer at the age of 45. She had been a type one diabetic since she was five, so there were going to be challenges that made her treatment a little more complicated. Initially, we had thought this was something that could be treated and she could live with occasional tests and treatment, but in the spring of 2022, the tumor returned and she would live with cancer for the remainder of her life. Mom passed away in August of 2021 and it was the first time I had seen Kathy since I stayed with her after her initial surgery. I didn't recognize her; unsure about her medical future, along with my constant uncertainty about the field I was in, I decided to relocate back to the northeast to be closer. I was able to provide support, oftentimes in the form of food, while she went through treatment. While I struggled through two dead end jobs, I now realize my purpose during the last two and half years was to be here for her.
In May 2023, I lost my second dead end job the same day Kathy was diagnosed with a pulmonary embolism (a blood clot on the lung.) This diagnosis was the beginning of the end of her journey. I had signed up for a Community Shared Agriculture (CSA) program with a local farm. The CSA exposed me to new crops and inspired me to try new recipes. Often, my sister was the guinea pig for trying these things. Sometimes they worked out, but lets just say, neither of us really cared for cooked cabbage so we stuck with cole slaw! When Kathy passed in November 2023, cooking was one of the things I continued to enjoy. I had grieved my Dad's passing when I was 29 and then the diagnosis of Mom's Alzheimer's the following year; grieving someone who is still alive is no picnic and I thought that was the worst kind of grief, until I lost my sister, who I thought I would have until I was old and gray. I was only 41.
I decided to share my experiences cooking through the grief, because my hope is that it will provide comfort for someone else. There is no timeline on grief and please, don't let anyone tell you there are five stages (hogwash!) The comfort of memories helps us get through grief, and for my family, the dinner table was always one of the best parts of the day. If my family stories and experiences of grief don't resonate, then perhaps you'll learn a new recipe or at least be entertained as I try one!
I, too, have fond memories of my family sitting at the dinner table each night at the same time. We lived in a single wide trailer for the first 12 years of my life. There was only a countertop with two stools, no table, so we mostly ate in the living room. Then we were able to buy a house and my dad, mom, sister, and I were so thrilled to have a dining room with a big table. I have many good memories of the laughs and conversations we held there from middle school on. I love food, but have always been very anxious at the stove. I've always had others around me that loved to cook, so I was able to be the "kitchen helper" and I never picked up any skills. I have been remedying that over the last two years. I'm trying to gain more confidence in the kitchen. I am still at a very basic level, but it has definitely helped me as I've navigated major life changes.
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